Saturday, 15 November 2014

Postcards From The (comet's) Edge

Hi to everyone back home - wish you were here! To be honest - I wish anyone was here. This place seems as popular on the tourist trail as a wet Tuesday on the Gaza Strip. There isn't even very much traffic, although what there is seems to rush by really fast and burn up in a fireball. It's a bit like a Saturday night in Rockingham.

I had suspected that booking a budget airline to get me here might be asking for trouble and I was right. They called it the mothership, but I reckon she should up on child-abuse charges. The inflight service was completely non-existent and the landing was really turbulent. They say that any landing you can walk away from is a good landing, so I suppose it must qualify, assuming you're cool about walking with your left kneecap embedded in your right ear. It'd take the smirk off that beardy berk Richard Branson, I can tell you.
I'm staying in a different neighborhood from the one I expected as well and there doesn't appear to be a sea view. Either that or the tide is out - by around 500 million kilometres. Still - I'm here for an archeological dig, not for a paddle, so I'm looking forward to that once I get the feeling back in all my legs again. Economy class travel is no laughing matter when you’re more supermarket trolley than biped.

The weather's not exactly what the brochure promised either - bloody dark and cold. If that was what I wanted for a holiday I could just have gone to Glasgow where I could at least get a beer and a deep fried Mars bar. They tell me the weather will be getting warmer, but they always say that, don't they? ''It's not usually like this at this time of the year'' or ''Don't worry, we're hurtling towards the sun at 18kms per second, so it'll stop drizzling soon.''.

 I read that this place hasn't changed in 4.5 billion years, which I suppose explains the discarded Chico Roll wrappers and uncanny similarity to Adelaide. Quite honestly, it's so depressing I think I'm just going to go to bed and set the alarm for August.

 Firstly though I've got to pop out and pick up some souvenir confectionery for everyone at the office. Honestly, they're obsessed - all they kept saying as I was leaving was ‘bring back some rock, bring back some rock.'
Can’t wait to show off the sun tan when I get back